Friday, October 9, 2009


The sign read, "Marriage Savers!"

One of the vendors at the Annapolis Sailboat show was selling headphones designed for onboard communication. So, for instance, when your spouse is at the bow dropping the anchor and you are at the wheel, the headphones amplify what your spouse is screaming -- straight into your ear.

This is not a product I need.

The product I need is more of a United Nations variety where some calm, sane intercessor translates what my spouse is saying into soothing and sensible language I understand.

Here's how it would work:

Husband at the bow: What the $&*@) are you $*%*ing doing?!?! You're coming in too #*&$#( hot!!

Wife hears: Sweetie, you need to slow down a little.

Wife says: The #&#ing engine &$#$& up. You better (&#(*@ get your &$#ing *&#$ in the water and $&(*#&) the &*(#$^ line you kicked in the water off the &*(#$&$ing propeller.

Husband hears: I believe the engine has seized up, honey. Would you mind diving on the propellor to see if there's a problem? Maybe something to do with that little line you knocked into the water? Or maybe it was me that kicked it in. Yes. It must have been me. Wait, I'll go in. I'm a better swimmer.

Husband says: Mmph, nnh your mother zhen phflt.

Wife hears: This could be the best week of my life. All this togetherness just gets better and better.

Wife says: Zhenf eoridr, over my dead phenfnen.

Husband hears: Sweet Pea, after I chip all the barnacles off the bottom and wax the hull, I'll fix you a rum drink and your favorite dinner. You just relax.

Just think how smoothly this conversation would have gone with the headphones.

Translation headphones. There's a product that would save a marriage.

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